How to Good-bye Depression If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday by Hiroyuki Nishigaki, $16.95 plus shipping and handling from Books and Books, 265 Aragon Avenue, Coral Gables, FL 33134, phone: 305-442-4408, fax: 305-444-9751, Internet: www.booksandbooks.com
Suggested by Roy Perez of Oviedo, Fla.
MenOpop by Kathy Kelly, Peter D. Straus, Kenwyn Dapo, and Michelle Cohen; $24.95 plus shipping and handling from www.menopop.com
Suggested by Kathy Godlewski of Racine, Wis.
Is there any pleasure in life better than a book?
Yes. Sex, for example. Or a good souffle. Or, if you are a real pervert, sex with a good souffle.
But if you're looking for a gift that is easy to wrap, a book is a solid choice. That's why we never fail to include a Literary Section in our Holiday Gift Guide every year, except those years when we forget.
This year we are pleased to present TWO exciting book titles, either one of which is certain to delight all the people on your holiday gift list, except for the ones who have even a tiny shred of taste. We want to stress that both of these books are real, although we honestly would not believe this ourselves if we had not purchased them.
Our first book is called How to Good-bye Depression If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. (Subtitle: Malarkey? Or Effective Way?) This book is written by Hiroyuki Nishigaki, who is Japanese, and who apparently translated the book to English all by himself, without the help of somebody who actually speaks English. Here is the theory behind (Har!) Mr. Nishigaki's book, in his own words:
''I think constricting anus 100 times and denting navel 100 times in succession everyday is effective to goodbye depression and take back youth.''
How is this possible? Mr. Nishigaki offers the following scientific explanation, concerning a 70-year-old man who has eliminated depression using this technique: ''. . .he also can have burned a strong beautiful fire within his abdomen. It can burn out the dirty stickiness of his body, release his immaterial fiber or third attention which has been confined to his stickiness. Then, he can shoot out his immaterial fiber or third attention to an object, concentrate on it and attain happy lucky feeling through the success of concentration. If you don't know that concentration can give you peculiar pleasure, then your life looks like a hell.''
This book, in addition to repeatedly advising the reader to constrict his or her anus and dent his or her navel, also includes exchanges that Mr. Nishigaki has had with people on Internet bulletin boards, where he became something of a celebrity. We recommend this book not only as a great gift for the depressed person on your holiday list, but also as a terrific ''ice-breaker'' for anybody wishing to start a conversation with a stranger on an airplane (''Would you like to hear how I good-bye my depression and burn out my dirty stickiness?'').
Our second book in this year's Holiday Gift Guide Literary Section is: MenOpop -- A Menopause Pop-up Book, by Kathy Kelly. This is similar to the pop-up books that we buy for children, except that it's for women going through menopause, so the pop-up pages are about things like hot flashes. Also there is a Menopause Fairy. We would give you more details about what's in this book but we are writing this on an airplane and every time we open a new page in MenOpop we get funny looks from the man sitting next to us.