Published Sunday, Dec. 01, 2002

The Flatulence Phone doesn't so much ring as...well, you get the idea.
The Flatulence Phone doesn't so much ring as...well, you get the idea.

FLATULENCE TELEPHONE

$27.95 plus shipping and handling from Future Memories, Inc., 139 Fulton Street, Suite 810, New York, N.Y. 10038, phone: 800-660-0566; Internet: www.futurememories.com

Suggested by Bob Tanner of Gwynn's Island, Va.

Here is a quality item for the high-class individual on your gift list. It appears to be an ordinary telephone. But wait! When a call comes in, instead of ringing, this phone makes a flatulence noise! It's hilarious! This phone will never fail to elicit a chuckle from you, unless you have reached, say, age 10.

We think this would be the perfect item for the high-powered business executive who needs a phone that makes the following statement to his employees, his fellow executives, and -- above all -- his customers: ''My phone makes fart sounds.'' This is also the perfect phone for the socialite who holds elegant, intimate dinner parties, where the sound of a normal phone might be intrusive.

This phone would also be a perfect gift for the person who works in a crowded office and tends to have a personal problem with what the medical profession refers to as ''cutting the cheese.'' When his co-workers stare at him in an accusing manner, he can blame it on the phone.

And picture this scenario: A hostile nation has obtained nuclear weapons and is threatening the United States. The White House is tense, on edge. Armageddon looms. Just then a call comes in to the Hot Line phone -- but instead of ringing, it goes: ''brrrraaaapp.'' Ha ha! The tension is broken; the president is laughing as he lifts the receiver. And even though he ultimately decides to launch a nuclear strike, he does so in a lighthearted holiday mood.

THE GIFTS  
  • DUCT TAPE PURSES
  • FAKE-BRANCH HEADWEAR2
  • KITTY FUN BARBIE
  • CHOCOLATE PHOTOGRAPH
  • SEASHELL TOILET SEAT
  • INSPIRATIONAL SPORTS STATUES
  • GIFT GUIDE LITERARY SECTION
  • FLATULENCE TELEPHONE
  • NATURE'S PLATFORM TOILET-SQUATTING DEVICE
  • FESTIVE SHOTGUN SHELL HOLIDAY LIGHTS
  • BODY STAPLER KIT
  • ''DADDLE'' CHILD-AMUSEMENT DEVICE
  • BATHROOM TENNIS
  • THEME CASKETS
  • MAGNETIC FAST FLAMES
  • BACK TO MAIN PAGE
  •