Published Sunday, Dec. 01, 2002

Fast Flames can make your filing cabinet look faster. RAUL RUBIERA / Herald staff
RAUL RUBIERA / Herald staff
Fast Flames can make your filing cabinet look faster.

MAGNETIC FAST FLAMES

$49.95 plus shipping and handling from Herrington, 3 Symmes Drive, Londonderry, NH 03053, phone: 800-622-5221, fax: 603-437-3492, Internet: www.herringtoncatalog.com

Suggested by Patrick Mooney of Avon, Ind.

It is a well known fact, taught in all leading art schools, that everything looks better with flames on it. Archeologist now believe that many famous old arty things, such as the Parthenon, the Sphinx, the Pyramids, the Venus de Milo statue and the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, were originally enhanced by flames, which either wore off or got stolen by vandals, who put them on their horses to make them look faster.

Today, sadly, flames are rarely used as decorations, because most people think they are ''too much bother.'' But all that has changed thanks to the invention, by top California flame scientists, of these amazing ''Fast Flames.'' Thanks to the amazing power of magnetism -- which also cures arthritis -- you can attach these babies in minutes to any metal surface, except for those metal surfaces that are not attracted to magnetism.

One obvious place to put Fast Flames is on a car. Not only will they make any car more attractive, but also, because of their aerodynamic appearance, they will increase the car's top speed by nearly 25 miles per hour. This is why these flames have been specifically banned from the Indianapolis 500.

But Fast Flames are not just for cars. They also add a special ''look'' to office furniture such as filing cabinets -- a look that says: ''These filing cabinets are really moving!'' And we don't even want to think about what Fast Flames could do for a portable toilet! Seriously, we don't.

THE GIFTS  
  • DUCT TAPE PURSES
  • FAKE-BRANCH HEADWEAR2
  • KITTY FUN BARBIE
  • CHOCOLATE PHOTOGRAPH
  • SEASHELL TOILET SEAT
  • INSPIRATIONAL SPORTS STATUES
  • GIFT GUIDE LITERARY SECTION
  • FLATULENCE TELEPHONE
  • NATURE'S PLATFORM TOILET-SQUATTING DEVICE
  • FESTIVE SHOTGUN SHELL HOLIDAY LIGHTS
  • BODY STAPLER KIT
  • ''DADDLE'' CHILD-AMUSEMENT DEVICE
  • BATHROOM TENNIS
  • THEME CASKETS
  • MAGNETIC FAST FLAMES
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