| By Vincent "Vinny" Setala - Press Secretary
DAVE BARRY
FOR PRESIDENT
***PRESS
RELEASE*** I am pleased
to announce my appointment to the post of Press Secretary in the upcoming election
campaign of Dave "The Total Package" Barry. As referenced in Dave's
candidacy confirmation article of July 4, 1999, I am available to illuminate Dave's
position on any of the numerous issues that are of vital importance to the American
people. We have absolutely nothing to hide; other than those things we
don't want anybody to know about so please feel free to ask me about anything you
may feel important. Some of you may be a bit confused as to the reasons why I was
selected to this crucial position. You shouldn't be. Dave made
it perfectly clear. So don't bug me about it. This isn't about
me anyway. It is about you and the future os this great nation, should you
be so gullible as to elect another of these slickly-packaged hacks that purport to be
honest politicians with your best interests in mind, rather than the Man-For-The-Millennium,
Dave Barry. Keep in mind that whereas these other candidates operate from the
dubious position that they are pure as the driven snow when even the most cursory look at
their background will show that they are lying through their perfectly capped teeth,
Dave's life is an open book. The Ecology? Dave wants one.
Special Interest Groups? Show us the Benjamins, baby. Dav's World
View?It's round and it spins. Check an encyclopedia.
Anything else? Just Ask.
One thing though. Since my postiion has been announced, the Prison Mailroom has been
swamped by a mountain of letters rom beautiful women all over the world who are drawn to
immense power and who keep pestering me for romantic dalliances. I am too busy for
dallyin, and Dave mentioned, I am in prison so dallying is altogether too tempting and
too distracting. Due to my position I need to be strong and resist my romantic
instincts, and stand behind the bedrock principles espoused by Dave. If you simply
can't help yourself, that's okay I guess. I understand. Just make sure
to send pictures and copies of recent bank statements. I may be easy, but I'm not
cheap. The New Millennium is a New Beginning, so make your vote count! Our future
generations will admire you, and today's generation will profit from your superb insight and
impeccable taste in electing the only person out there suitable to lead us into the next century.
Vote for Dave Barry. It's the Only Thing. It's the Right Thing. And
it will Freak-Them-Out! If you don't believe me, just ask me. I'll tell ya.
Vincent "Vinny" Setala - Press Secretary
|