FAKE HEAD-BOBBING WOODPECKERS

$4.95 plus shipping and handling from Deer Creek Products, 3038 NW 25th Ave., Pompano Beach, Fla. 33069, 954-978-0597. Allow 4-6 weeks for delivery.

We all love birds. Unfortunately, they are unreliable and stupid. Instead of hanging around our gardens in a decorative manner, as nature intended, they're always off migrating, pooping on cars, sitting on utility lines for no apparent reason, etc.

Fortunately, we no longer have to depend on birds to beautify our properties, thanks to this inexpensive, yet amazingly cheap, fake woodpecker. In the actual words of the catalog from which we ordered it, this woodpecker ''adds nature and charm to any garden.'' It is made from natural plastic, and it boasts a unique ''bobbing head'' feature, which means that the head is mounted on a spring, so that when a breeze blows, the head wobbles around exactly the way a real woodpecker's head would following a serious turbine accident.

If you have a nature-lover on your gift list, we cannot imagine a better gift than this woodpecker to send the heartwarming message: ''I value our relationship at under $5.'' This is the very same item that none other than Mr. Donald Trump gives as a romantic token to whatever lucky gal is currently the ''special lady'' in his life.