FLATULENCE TELEPHONE

$27.95 plus shipping and handling from Future Memories, Inc., 139 Fulton Street, Suite 810, New York, N.Y. 10038, phone: 800-660-0566; Internet: www.futurememories.com

Suggested by Bob Tanner of Gwynn's Island, Va.

Here is a quality item for the high-class individual on your gift list. It appears to be an ordinary telephone. But wait! When a call comes in, instead of ringing, this phone makes a flatulence noise! It's hilarious! This phone will never fail to elicit a chuckle from you, unless you have reached, say, age 10.

We think this would be the perfect item for the high-powered business executive who needs a phone that makes the following statement to his employees, his fellow executives, and -- above all -- his customers: ''My phone makes fart sounds.'' This is also the perfect phone for the socialite who holds elegant, intimate dinner parties, where the sound of a normal phone might be intrusive.

This phone would also be a perfect gift for the person who works in a crowded office and tends to have a personal problem with what the medical profession refers to as ''cutting the cheese.'' When his co-workers stare at him in an accusing manner, he can blame it on the phone.

And picture this scenario: A hostile nation has obtained nuclear weapons and is threatening the United States. The White House is tense, on edge. Armageddon looms. Just then a call comes in to the Hot Line phone -- but instead of ringing, it goes: ''brrrraaaapp.'' Ha ha! The tension is broken; the president is laughing as he lifts the receiver. And even though he ultimately decides to launch a nuclear strike, he does so in a lighthearted holiday mood.