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Published Sunday, Dec. 3, 2000 in The Miami Herald
We are not making these items
BY DAVE BARRY
PHOTOS BY RAUL RUBIERA/
STYLIST MAUREEN FANNON-GRASSIE
Once again the holidays
are upon us, and here at the Holiday Gift Guide Command Center, we are
definitely feeling the ''spirit of the season.'' When our ''elves'' answer
the telephone, they say: ''Ho! Ho! Ho!'' If they leave out even a single
''ho,'' we give them a jolt with our holiday cattle prod. That is how
seriously we take the holidays.
It is that kind
of discipline that enables us to produce our famous annual Holiday Gift
Guide -- a collection of very special gift ideas that you will not find
anywhere else in the world that has even the tiniest shred of good taste.
These are not the kind of ''ho-hum'' gifts that get stuck away in a drawer
somewhere. No sir, these are the kind of high-impact gifts that go straight
into the dumpster.
Many people ask
us: Where do you FIND these things? The answer is that we scour the globe.
Every year, at tremendous tax-deductible expense, we travel to Paris,
London, Rome, Hong Kong, Las Vegas and many other exotic foreign places
in search of items that are suitable for the Gift Guide. But we never
find any, so at the last minute we come home and use stuff we ordered
Bear in mind, as
you read this Gift Guide, that every single item you see in it is real.
That's correct: We are not making these items up. You can actually buy
them! We know this because we personally bought all of them using money
graciously provided by The Miami Herald. And if you don't think it's fun
to be able to submit an expense report requesting reimbursement for a
golf club made from the sexual organ of a bull, then you frankly don't
know what fun is.
In addition to actually
having our employer purchase these items, we here at the Gift Guide Command
Center thoroughly test every item by opening the box and looking at the
contents for several seconds. Sometimes we even touch the contents, unless
they are meant to be inserted nasally.
It is because of
this rigorous Quality Control procedure that we are able to offer our
HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE
''NO EXCUSES'' WARRANTY: If you purchase one of these Gift Guide items,
and you for any reason whatsoever are not totally 100 percent satisfied,
then simply send the item to us in its original packaging, along with
the original paperwork, the original deed to your house and an original
oil by the French postimpressionist painter Paul Gauguin (1848-1903).
You will receive a full refund within six weeks or 125 years, whichever
is later. We make no excuses for this warranty.
But enough of these
legal technicalities! It's time to unveil this year's Gift Guide items,
starting with the truly amazing:
We would like to thank the following people for being good sports and making this year's photographs possible:
Angie Griffith, Red Berry and the Red Berry Baseball Camp, Aimee Duthil, Luis Duthil, Juan Carlos Castellanos, Sophie Barry, Michelle Kaufman, Judi Smith, Paul Borden, Virginia Borden, Jena Borden and her dog Nikki.
Grace Poole, Daniel Portnoy and his dog Tara, Josette Grassie, Dorothy Sands, Scott Grassie, Pete Silver, Michael Silver, Jorge Rubiera, Beatriz Guardiola, Gus Guardiola, Annie Vazquez, Jon O'Neill, Killian Green Golf Club, Dave Long.
The Forget Me Not Gift Shop, Steve Depietro, Traveler Clothing Co., Raul F. Rubiera, Roger Werin, Fred Karrenberg, Aurora
Arrue, Juan Lopez, Lissette Elguezabal.
Index of all gifts