Published Sunday, Dec. 3, 2000 in The
We are not making
these items up...
BY DAVE BARRY
PHOTOS BY RAUL RUBIERA/
STYLIST MAUREEN FANNON-GRASSIE
Once again the
holidays are upon us, and here at the Holiday Gift Guide Command
Center, we are definitely feeling the ''spirit of the season.''
When our ''elves'' answer the telephone, they say: ''Ho! Ho! Ho!''
If they leave out even a single ''ho,'' we give them a jolt with
our holiday cattle prod. That is how seriously we take the holidays.
It is that kind of discipline that enables us to produce our
famous annual Holiday Gift Guide -- a collection of very special
gift ideas that you will not find anywhere else in the world that
has even the tiniest shred of good taste. These are not the kind
of ''ho-hum'' gifts that get stuck away in a drawer somewhere.
No sir, these are the kind of high-impact gifts that go straight
into the dumpster.
Many people ask us: Where do you FIND these things? The answer
is that we scour the globe. Every year, at tremendous tax-deductible
expense, we travel to Paris, London, Rome, Hong Kong, Las Vegas
and many other exotic foreign places in search of items that are
suitable for the Gift Guide. But we never find any, so at the
last minute we come home and use stuff we ordered by mail.
Bear in mind, as you read this Gift Guide, that every single
item you see in it is real. That's correct: We are not making
these items up. You can actually buy them! We know this because
we personally bought all of them using money graciously provided
by The Miami Herald. And if you don't think it's fun to be able
to submit an expense report requesting reimbursement for a golf
club made from the sexual organ of a bull, then you frankly don't
know what fun is.
In addition to actually having our employer purchase these items,
we here at the Gift Guide Command Center thoroughly test every
item by opening the box and looking at the contents for several
seconds. Sometimes we even touch the contents, unless they are
meant to be inserted nasally.
It is because of this rigorous Quality Control procedure that
we are able to offer our exclusive:
HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE ''NO EXCUSES'' WARRANTY: If you purchase
one of these Gift Guide items, and you for any reason whatsoever
are not totally 100 percent satisfied, then simply send the item
to us in its original packaging, along with the original paperwork,
the original deed to your house and an original oil by the French
postimpressionist painter Paul Gauguin (1848-1903). You will receive
a full refund within six weeks or 125 years, whichever is later.
We make no excuses for this warranty.
of these legal technicalities! It's time to unveil this year's Gift
Guide items, starting with the truly amazing:
We would like to thank the following people for being good sports
and making this year's photographs possible:
Angie Griffith, Red Berry and the Red Berry Baseball Camp, Aimee
Duthil, Luis Duthil, Juan Carlos Castellanos, Sophie Barry, Michelle
Kaufman, Judi Smith, Paul Borden, Virginia Borden, Jena Borden
and her dog Nikki.
Grace Poole, Daniel Portnoy and his dog Tara, Josette Grassie,
Dorothy Sands, Scott Grassie, Pete Silver, Michael Silver, Jorge
Rubiera, Beatriz Guardiola, Gus Guardiola, Annie Vazquez, Jon
O'Neill, Killian Green Golf Club, Dave Long.
The Forget Me Not Gift Shop, Steve Depietro, Traveler Clothing
Co., Raul F. Rubiera, Roger Werin, Fred Karrenberg, Aurora Arrue,
Juan Lopez, Lissette Elguezabal.