Sunday, July 12, 1987
A BOLDFACED LIE
DAVE BARRY
Unless you are unemployed, sick, or a journalist,
you probably have not had time to keep up with the hearings
that have been held, over the course of the past year or
two, by the Congressional Committee To Drone On About The
Iran-Contra Scandal Until Everybody Involved Is Dead. So
today, as a public service, we're going to provide the following
convenient summary of the entire affair, putting the names
of Key Elements in
easy- to-read boldface. There will be a quiz.
It all started when some Extremist
Maniac Lunatics took
some American Hostages,
which upset Ronald Reagan,
who to the best of his recollection was President
Of The United States at the time, so he naturally sold Weapons to the Extremist Maniac Lunatics in exchange for Money, which was funneled, with the help of various Courageous
Patriots who received
nothing for their efforts except a Sense Of Satisfaction
and Eight Million Dollars, to the crack Foreign-Policy Adventure Squad
headed by Lt. Col. Oliver North
(Secret Code Name "Manhood Testicle"),
who, with his loyal staff, Fawn Hall,
who has been offered $500,000 by Penthouse Magazine to pose Naked, occupied
an office in the White House,
but was in no way whatsoever connected with Anybody
Higher Up, because of course it is a Common Practice
for Totally Random Unofficial People such as Insurance Agents and
Accordion Teachers to
have White House Offices,
and thus it was that Col. North,
acting completely on his Own, decided to divert the Money to the Contras, who are at war with Iraq,
no wait, sorry, it is Iran
that is at war with Iraq,
which is the country that shot one of our ships, which naturally
caused President Reagan
(Code Name "Grinning Vegetable"),
to speak out angrily against -- this is the truth -- Iran, which as some of you may recall is the very same country he sold the
Weapons to, but we are drifting away from our Central
Point, which is that
Col. North was merely trying to insure that the Contras received an adequate supply of Money in order to carry out the Reagan Administration's
Secret Plan (Don't
tell Anybody!) to overthrow the government of Nicaragua, a role in which the Contras have proved to be as effective, militarily, as a Bucket
Of Dead Shrimp.
* * *
Now that you're up to date on this important scandal,
you might want to take some time off from work and watch
a few episodes of The Iran-Contra Hearings TV Show. The
best time to tune in is when a Reagan administration official
is testifying, and the committee tries to trick him into
making a coherent statement:
CONGRESSPERSON: Please state your name
and title, and reveal what the U.S. foreign policy is.
WITNESS: My name is Elliott Abrams;
my title is Assistant Administrative Associate Sub-secretary
of State for Reminding Everybody of a Small Hairless Nocturnal
Rodent; and the U.S. foreign policy is . . .
(The entire committee leans forward in breathless
anticipation . . . )
WITNESS: . . . a SECRET!
AUDIENCE: (Loud applause)
CONGRESSPERSON: Ha ha! You really had
us going there! Don Pardo, tell our witness what exciting
gifts he'll receive for testifying here today!
DON PARDO: Bob, he'll receive . . .
* * *
The danger, of course, is that one day a witness will
slip up and reveal the foreign policy, which is why the
Reagan administration, as a Security Measure, is now changing
it on a daily basis. It is also kept in a locked box, for
which there is only one key. Which the president, as an
added precaution, has misplaced.
* * *
QUIZ: TEST YOUR
SCANDAL KNOWLEDGE
1. Would you pose naked for $500,000? Me too.
© 1987 Dave Barry The copyright laws of the United
States prohibit any copying, redistributing, retransmitting,
or repurposing of any copyright-protected material.
