Sunday, March 29, 1987
PITHY INTO THE WIND
DAVE BARRY
The burgeoning Iran-contra scandal is truly an issue about which we, as
a nation, need to concern ourselves, because
(Secret
Note To Readers: Not really! The hell with the Iran-contra affair!
Let it burgeon! I'm just trying to win a journalism
prize, here. Don't tell anybody! I'll explain later.
Shhhh.)
when we look at the Iran-contra scandal, and for that matter the mounting
national health-care crisis, we can see that these are,
in total, two issues, each requiring a number of paragraphs
in which we will comment, in hopes that
(
. . . we can win a journalism prize. Ideally a Pulitzer.
That's the object, in journalism. At certain times each
year, we journalists do almost nothing except apply
for the Pulitzers and several dozen other major prizes.
During these times you could walk right into most newsrooms
and commit a multiple ax murder naked, and it wouldn't
get reported in the paper, because the reporters and
editors would all be too busy filling out prize applications.
"Hey!" they'd yell at you. "Watch it!
You're getting blood on my application!")
we can possibly, through carefully analyzing
these important issues -- the Iran-contra scandal, the
mounting national health-care crisis, and (while we
are at it), the federal budget deficit -- through analyzing
these issues and mulling them over and fretting about
them and chewing on them until we have reduced them
to soft, spit-covered gobs of information that you,
the readers, can
( . . . pretty much ignore. It's OK! Don't be
ashamed! We here in journalism are fully aware that
most of you skip right over stories that look like they
might involve major issues, which you can identify because
they always have incomprehensible headlines like "House
Parley Panel Links Nato Tax Hike To Hondurans In Syrian
Arms Deal." Sometimes we'll do a whole series with
more total words than the Brothers Karamazov and headlines
like: "The World Mulch Crisis: A Time To Act."
You readers don't bother to wade through these stories,
and you feel vaguely guilty about this. Which is stupid.
You're not supposed to read them. We journalists don't
read them. We use modern computers to generate them
solely for the purpose of entering them for journalism
prizes. We're thinking about putting the following helpful
advisory over them: "Caution! Journalism Prize
Entry! Do Not Read!")
gain, through a better understanding of these
very important issues -- the Iran-contra scandal; the
health-care crisis (which as you may be aware is both
national AND mounting); the federal budget deficit;
and yes, let's come right out and say it, the Strategic
Defense Initiative -- you readers can gain a better
understanding of them, and thus we might come to an
enhanced awareness of what they may or may not mean
in terms of
( . . . whether or not I can win a Pulitzer Prize.
That's the one I'm gunning for. You get $1,000 cash,
plus all the job offers the mailperson can carry. Unfortunately,
the only category I'd be eligible for is called "Distinguished
Social Commentary," which is a real problem, because
of the kinds of issues I generally write about. "This
isn't Distinguished Social Commentary!" the Pulitzer
judges would say. "This is about goat boogers!"
So today I'm trying to class up my act a little by writing
about prize-winning issues. OK? Sorry.)
how we, as a nation, can, through a deeper realization
of the significance of these four vital issues -- health
care in Iran, the strategic federal deficit, mounting
the contras, and one other one which slips my mind at
the moment, although I think it's the one that's burgeoning
-- how we can, as a nation, through Distinguished Social
Commentary such as this, gain the kind of perspective
and foresight required to understand
( . . . a guy like noted conservative columnist
George Will. You see him, on all those TV shows where
he is always commenting on world events in that snotty
smartass way of his, with his lips pursed together like
he just accidentally licked the plumbing in a bus-station
restroom, and you quite naturally say to yourself, as
millions have before you: "Why doesn't somebody
just take this little dweeb and stick his bow tie up
his nose? Huh?" And the answer is: Because a long
time ago, for reasons nobody remembers anymore, George
Will won a Pulitzer Prize. And now he gets to be famous
and rich and respected for ever and ever. That's all
I want! Is that so much to ask?!)
what we, and I am talking about we as a nation,
need to have in order to deeply understand all the issues
listed somewhere earlier in this column. And although
I am only one person, one lone Distinguished Social
Commentator crying in the wilderness, without so much
as a bow tie, I am nevertheless committed to doing whatever
I can to deepen and widen and broaden and lengthen the
national understanding of these issues in any way that
I can, and that includes sharing the $1,000 with the
judges.
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