Published Sunday, December 2, 2001
AMAZING MEDICAL MAGNETIC CAP
$99.95 plus shipping and handling from Good
Catalog Company, 700 NE 55th Ave., Portland, Ore. 97213; phone 1-800-225-3870,
fax 503-249-0708; Internet: www.goodcatalog.com.
can become a magnetic personality with the amazing medical
Magnetic Cap. It's guaranteed to cure headaches, loss of memory
and hair loss, but watch out for those metallic objects.
Suggested by Janet Paulson of Santa Monica, Calif.
For many centuries, humanity believed that the only
practical use for magnets was to attach expired pizza coupons to
refrigerators. But recently, the medical community has discovered
that magnetic fields can also be used, with proven results, to extract
money from wacko New Age health nuts.
Nowhere is this more evident than in the Magnetic Cap, which
is a plastic cap with a bunch of little magnets embedded in it.
The concept is, you put this cap on your head, and thanks to the
effect of the magnetic force field on your brain, you look like
an extra in a movie called Dorks From Space.
But there are also health benefits. According to the literature
we received with the Magnetic Cap, it can cure depression, headaches,
sinus problems, loss of memory AND hair loss. How is this possible?
We frankly do not have the medical training to give you a full
explanation, but we can report that the Magnetic Cap literature
contains many technical terms -- including ``serotonin,'' ``endorphins,''
``melatonin,'' ``cerebellum'' and ``Velcro closure'' -- so you
know it is very scientific.
We personally tested this product by wearing it in our office.
The results were dramatic: Within seconds after we put the Magnetic
Cap on, our research assistant was wetting her pants.
The only risk we can see from this amazing product would be
if two people were wearing the Magnetic Cap, and they stood too
close to each other, and their heads became stuck together. Also
if you happened to be wearing a Magnetic Cap that, because of
a manufacturing defect, was equipped with overly powerful magnets,
you could wind up with metal objects hurtling toward you, like
that unfortunate woman in the movie Carrie who got turned
into human sushi by her own kitchen implements.
But that seems highly unlikely, so we're not even going to bring
it up. We're just going to urge you to purchase this fine gift
NOW, before the holiday rush, when the world magnetism supply
is sure to run low.