Published Sunday, Dec. 3, 2000 in The Miami Herald

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$99.95 plus shipping and handling (Fog Juice: $9.95 per quart) from Halloween Online Store, 825 College Blvd. Suite 102-403, Oceanside, Calif. 92057, phone 661-297-1851, Internet: www.store-halloween.com

Wouldn't it be great if, whenever you wanted, you could become invisible? Well, now you can, thanks to the Fog Master, an amazing device that combines three of the most scientific forces known to man -- electricity, chemicals and remote control -- and somehow turns them into fog.

Think of the practical applications of this device. Let's say a police officer has caught you jaywalking, and intends to write you a ticket. While he's getting out his paperwork, you simply open your briefcase, pull out your Fog Master, fill the reservoir with the special Fog Juice, plug the electrical cord into a standard AC wall outlet, wait for the Fog Master to warm up, press the remote-control switch and . . . SHAZAM! You are surrounded by a dense cloud! Mr. Police Officer has NO IDEA where you are! You can steal his hat with impunity!

Or let's say you're stuck at work, when you'd really rather be playing golf. Simply fire up your Fog Master, and within seconds your cubicle will be completely fogged in, allowing you to sneak out of the office, while your boss naturally assumes you're still inside the fog, working away! You can make this illusion even more effective by using the previous item in this gift guide. (''He must be somewhere in his cubicle, because I keep hearing flatulence!'')

The Fog Master also has social benefits. Imagine how impressive you'll look when you ''take the floor'' at a swank dance club carrying your own personal fog-generating device, powered via an extension cord. You'll be a one-person ''disco'' extravaganza! The opposite gender will go insane with lust! Your top swingers such as Mr. George Hamilton and the late Mr. Dean Martin would not even consider going on a date without this device. This holiday season, give the most precious gift of all: The gift of obscurity.

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